Sparrows are just starting their morning songs outside. Faint light glimmers off the frosted lawns and in the distance, a dog barks the morning in. I have been awake since 4.00 a.m. - tossing and turning in a quagmire of thoughts.
A little later, I will be in the hospital ward in Durban, officially starting my dialysis regime. I feel so indifferent...there is a struggle taking place between my Faith and my simple human nature. While my cloud has many silver linings, not least of all my wonderfully supportive wife, I can't help feeling that I lose something today.
Maybe its just physical...acknowledging the restrictions imposed to my activities, abilities, needs and I guess my general lifestyle as I know it. Yes, I will most certainly start to feel a lot better once I start 'sponging' the toxins from my overloaded blood...but, at what cost? I almost feel I could go on as I am, now, without dialysis...I'm sure the kidney degeneration has hit a plateau and I'm not getting any worse. But, medically I must dialyse - even if just to relieve the eventual burden on other organs.
Maybe I feel demasculated (is that a word?)? No longer a normal human, but some kind of freaky, sick, half-strength survivor. What good is a husband and father who needs to connect to bags every six hours? How does my illness affect the lives of those close to me? How do I deal with the way I feel that they feel about me - even if I know I'm getting it totally wrong?
Faith?!
At church on Sunday a young girl I've never met before, came up to me saying she had a message from God. (The minister had asked that we pray for messages - tough for beginners). She said she had three words for me and was not sure if they made any sense: "Terry, dont worry." That hit home hard. And yet, still my human nature persists...the tangible worries elbowing Faith in a neck and neck dash for the finish line. Funny thing is, while I struggle with this race, I know who finally wins.
When I next sit down to write here, I will be changing fluids every six hours, four times a day, seven days a week. The immediate environment will have to be clean and sterile...so too my hands, of course...and I will be adapting to the new-life baggage.
And, I should be feeling a lot better too! I'll let you know.
My wife, faith-filler and pillar of strength!
Lee-Anne
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Hello Terry
ReplyDeletePete and M are thinking of you and your family..........In fact you are in our thoughts more often than not. M has been praying for you, Pete has been hoping for the best (I am not the praying type). Hang in there, if you think back all those years ago when you first went though all this kak, you survived, and have brought up a wonderful family....... no reason why it cant continue, just the extra baggage that needs adapting to. Take care and remember, we are here to help where we can. (Bit nervous of giving up a kidney though - got to many toxins in my body that need excreting). Pete
Hi Terry
ReplyDeleteIt's a week since you started now.I look forward to an update. Just know that Anna and I are praying for you. Like Pete, we are also here to help. Again, like Pete, my kidneys are probably not gonna withstand strict medical scrutiny and even if they would - would I be brave enough. Seriously though, Lee - leen on us for assistance. Terry, just know that no matter what boet - God is in control and this is all part of His plan. Sounds ironic but true. Remind me to tell you about the Vietman War pilot in the POW camp. Cheers...Dave
Hi Terry, Lee and Jo
ReplyDeleteGee, I don't really know what to say, its been a long, long time since we saw you guys. I got this mail with your Blog details from Greta. We would just like to let you know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers. Sav's always says that my Mom has a direct line to the man above as when she starts praying for someone she just does not give up and so he says that The Good Lord just goes ''Oh no, not her again, let me listen and react''. I don't think it quiet works like that but I do know that she is persistant and there have been one or two times that we have needed those prayers, any case instead of rambling on, I have asked her to add you to her prayer list.
Take Care - Sav's; Reney and Boys